Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

A young man from North Carolina moves to Georgia and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store
looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Carolina.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , all Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".

And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: